Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
