Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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