Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Barsexuality is the new black.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
