well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
