ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
