The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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