why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
