You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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