I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
