Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
