I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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