You made me cry and you don't even care
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
