Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
