For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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