My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
