she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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