careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
