fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
