Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
