I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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