Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
