The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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