Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
