Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
