this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
