Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
