i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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