I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
