god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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