Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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