what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
