what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
