Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
