I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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