My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
