I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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