So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
