im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
