i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
