somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
