The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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