y did u give ur computer a hand job?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
