I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
