Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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