I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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