He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
