if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
