I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
