she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
