So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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