i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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