I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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