fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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