he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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