I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
