when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
